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And if you can make your message rhyme, We'll call you back in half the time!!!!! So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home." (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" Hello. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (or) (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening.

Sadly, most people who use answering machines or voice mail have the standard greeting of, "Hi, this is ____. Leave a message and I'll get back to you." Isn't that boring?

Wouldn't you rather spice up your greeting with something that will make people smile, laugh or think?

This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. Want to hear how vulnerable your answering machine or voicemail is to being hacked? If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up.

In 1971, Phone Mate introduced one of the first commercially viable answering machines, the Model 400.

It weighed 10 pounds and held 20 messages on a reel-to-reel tape.

In 1935, Willy Müller invented the world's first automatic answering machine.

The ideas on this page will help you come up with a more creative greeting for your machine.

If you think you can do better, then leave your own ideas on the bottom of this page.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten Twinkle, Twinkle little star, bet your wondering where we are? Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. (Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom.

Well, put your mouth up to the phone And leave us a message for when we get home. (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. POW, BIFF.) You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can. (Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator.

Then in 1960, the Ansafone, created by inventor Dr.

Kazuo Hashimoto (Phonetel), was the first answering machine sold in the USA.

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